MY JOURNEY TO ME
"Spiritual growth and development showed me a way to
once again expect good things in my life."
My childhood was happy and fun loving until I turned 12. I was sent to Germany to live with my Aunt and Uncle. While living in Germany with them, I was beaten, raped and sodomized by this uncle for nine continuous months. My entire family (except my siblings and mother) rallied around this uncle calling me a habitual liar. I was told repeatedly “I was just a child and I would forget about it.” They said my uncle had a pension and they had to protect his pension. Ostracized and bewildered, the years of my lost youth was troubled; I no longer knew how to live, only to survive.
As I grew into a young woman, I fell in love and married a man who loved and accepted me. He was a successful bright young attorney and I believed at last I could really feel happiness. Three and one-half months after our marriage he was killed by drunk driver while walking home from the train. My future immediately became my past with a phone call from my cousin saying my husband had been hit by a car. Unable to bear the loss, I took a massive attempt on my life. By Court Order, I was placed in a mental institution. There I found a wonderful doctor who explained that she knew there was a difference between grief and crazy and released me after a short stay, instead of the minimum six months, with a promise of no more suicide attempts.
Still unable to comprehend my life or the overwhelming pain inside, I spiraled down into cocaine and alcohol, as the trauma of my stolen youth surfaced with the familiar feelings of abandonment and lack of love. I tried to fill those voids in my life with substances. I ended up at the Betty Ford Center after six years of abusing myself; a child’s size 14, starved with an ulcerated nasal cavity. After my stay at the Betty Ford clinic, I continued treatment through Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Hermosa Beach, California. There, at the morning meetings I attended, I met and fell in love again with a very kind and gentle man. I had learned to trust love again. Life became anew. I was clean and sober, and in love. One Christmas morning, hidden in the new espresso machine he had given me as one of my gifts, there was a beautiful engagement ring. He proposed to me that Christmas. He too, was killed in a motorcycle accident before the marriage.
Again faced with the loss of love & support, I did not know what to do, but I knew what not to do – no substance abuse. That was all I knew. My life was again shattered in to one million pieces. During this time, I took in my young niece and nephew to live with me. They were an inspiration to heal for I wanted to take better care of them than I had of myself. I will never forget my niece in the hospital room with me and my dead fiancé kneeling down in front of me saying: “Aunt Kathy, we will get through this together. You have been here for me and my brother and now we are going to be here for you.” Our hearts were broken, but I knew then somehow, someway, I would have to find a way to live again.
It was at this time I began my spiritual quest to heal the hurts and pains in my heart, having to go all the way back to revisit all of the pain I experienced. I began attending Agape International Spiritual Center learning spiritual principles taught by Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, my spiritual teacher and mentor. I learned how to meditate there. I began to go within the silence of my soul to discover how to love and forgive myself. I began to accept the beauty that was me as well as how to embrace the child who had been beaten unrecognizable and molested. It was an uphill climb to self-acceptance, self-love and forgiveness. Endurance taught me strength of character.
I understand despair. I understand recovery and total healing. Inside for the very first time in many years, I started to feel my life was worth living. Spiritual growth and development showed me a way to once again expect good things in my life. I began to think independently of anything that had ever happened to me. I began to understand that I no longer needed to protect myself and dropped the wall of protection. I became willing to explore the present moment with a clear lens free from past experiences. Peace began to reside where restlessness once existed.
I am inspired and surrendered to my best life. I am a spiritual life counselor and healer of the broken spirit. I hold a doctorate degree in philosophy, and am the founder of Angels of Life Miracles a 501(c)(3), nonprofit organization whose main component is unique innovative spiritual counseling which will open the doorway of unlimited possibility and allow you to confidently walk through to create more desireable things to happen in your life. My office, AOLM Sacred Healing Sanctuary is located in Torrance and is an energy healing portal which holds a high frequency of energy to embrace the client and create a deep feeling of safety and peace. My counseling practice uses unique and beautiful holistic modalities such as The Angel Crystal Light Chromotherapy Beds, hypnotherapy, past life regression, and Aura/Energy Imaging to facilitate a more progressive journey to help you resolve the dilemma of why you are not where you want to be and bring peace to the troubled heart.
My nightmares are gifts to give away to help others. I read one day that “If you learn from your suffering, and really come to understand the lesson you were taught, you might be able to help someone else who’s now in the phase you may have just completed. Maybe that’s what life’s all about after all.” Those words gave meaning to my experience. I am grateful for all of the experiences of my life, the good and not so good, for they helped make the person I am today.
I choose to forgive any wrong that may have appeared in my outer world and, turn with appreciation inward to my inner Light. I think upon those things that are good and the lessons I have learned. I no longer contend against people or events. In doing so, I become emancipated from my previous bondage. I expect and accept only good today. So today I have been refined. Today God has polished my life. Today God has given me the gift of being in service to others. As long as my days are on this planet, I shall be of service to humanity creating light, joy, peace as long as God allows me.
When I look at the progression of my spiritual life, I understand the meaning of grace. It is my life now to reach back and touch the hopeless and share with them spiritual tools, and help them transcend from hopeless to helpful. You see what I know is that there is no difference between the darkness and the light. It is when we are in darkness that the light is so bright that we are blinded.
This is my story, this is who I am, this is the woman I am grateful for.